Myths of the Journey #8

DECEMBER 8, 2017 BY RICHARD BLANKENSHIP

Myth #8 – I’ll be a failure if I get a divorce. My spouse will eventually “get it” and stop acting out if I stay no matter what happens.

Making a commitment to marriage is not equivalent to making a commitment to tolerate abusive behavior or sexual acting out. Staying does not guarantee that the addict will work on changing his or her behavior. Your spouse’s abandonment fears preceded your relationship. Your lack of boundaries won’t cure his or her fears.

You are not a failure if your marriage doesn’t last. Telling a partner this places undue pressure and unrealistic expectations on them. Partners have experienced rejection from friends and their faith community for choosing to end a marriage. During difficult decisions, partners need support, not ultimatums and rejection.

Reconciliation is a two way street. Divorce doesn’t mean you have failed. Tough it out doesn’t make you more spiritual. Reconciliation will depend on both your healing and the addict doing his/her work. The choices of others don’t make you a failure. The reality is that some addicts choose their addiction over their marriage. Your identity isn’t dependent on the choices of the addict.

Adapted from Spouses of Sex Addicts: Hope for the Journey

Richard Blankenship & Joyce Tomblin