Little Things Don't Stay Little
by Sarah Ramsay, MA, LMFT, BC-TMH
When I was much younger I lived in Virginia. We absolutely loved playing in the snow and could stay outside for hours. The snowball fights were epic and some of us had perfected the art of making a snowball. Although it’s been some time since I’ve made one, I remember starting off with a handful of snow and packing it on continuously until I had made it as big as I could.
Being an adult, this reminded me of how little issues in relationships tend to gradually grow into larger ones. Like when our partner states something that rubs us the wrong way and we think “I’ll just let that go, it’s not a big deal.” Growing older I have learned to pick my battles; however, it is important to discern between which battles will grow and those that are like a passing ship.
How do we decide which ones aren’t really a big deal between those that are? One way to differentiate between the two is being mindful of your emotions and the message they send. Are you angered because you wanted to win an argument or were you angered because you felt belittled by your partner? Wanting to win an argument may be more of a passing ship; however, feeling belittled by your partner isn’t appropriate, even if it was a harmless joke. Another way to distinguish if a little issue should be addressed is noticing if a pattern develops. If this is occurring more than once or continually, it will only grow. If it grows, the more impact the emotion will feel much like a larger snowball.
Allowing emotions to build up will only cause a blow up later or mounting resentment which is much more difficult to manage than nipping it in the bud. Try to be mindful of the little things that bother you, and when you are calm, talk to your partner about how this makes you feel. If you approach this calmly, a loving partner will want to care for those hurt feelings. With each of the little conversations, a stronger connection results. With each of these little conversations being swept under the rug, the more distance results until it's an epic ‘snowball’ fight.
