For many of us, quick and easy conflict resolutions with our Intimate partners can be elusive. Often, we find ourselves in a pattern of one partner persistently pursuing resolution while the other moves away from it. The result can look like a version of the 1980’s video game where the Pac-Man character is chased by ghosts, Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Clyde to avoid being devoured.

This Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic, a term often attributed to renown couples therapists, John and Julie Gottman, occurs during times of relational struggle. This pattern happens when one partner needs closeness to resolve a conflict while the other partner desires time and space to feel safe. Pursuers experience anxiety when they feel alone and separated, which can drive them toward anger and criticism. Distancers can further withdraw and erect defenses when faced with the demands of the Pursuer. Sometimes the Pursuer will lose hope and assume the role of the Distancer resulting in him/her becoming the Pursuer. If this pattern becomes habitual, damage can be significant leading to serious relational dissatisfaction.

Partners who pursue tend to value conversation about feelings. They seek emotional closeness but, when problems come up, may be quick to react and demand reassurance from their partner. Their intense and highly emotional nature can be sensitive to rejection if their partner asks for space. They may manage their anxiety with complaining, blame-shifting and criticizing as they try and regain connection, thus pushing the partner further away.

Partners who distance need autonomy and time and space to process feelings. They think before they speak because of the importance they put on being accurate. They may show compulsive behaviors to self-soothe and avoid vulnerability. Being pursued by their partner can feel overwhelming because they seek emotional safety to reengage in conflict resolution. They tend to minimize others’ feelings, shut off communication and pull back, leading to their partner feeling abandoned.

How do couples break free of the Pac-Man game? If both partners make small changes, this dysfunctional relational pattern can be broken. Pursuers must acknowledge their need for closeness but commit to holding themselves back from chasing their partners. The relationship improves when pursuers take responsibility for regulating their emotions and reduce criticizing the partner. Distancers also affect the relational dynamic when they communicate their need for space and commit to reengaging in the resolution at a specific time and place. During that break from the conflict, distancers need to tend to their emotional well-being so that, at the appointed time, they can return to their partner being in control of their emotions.

If couples feel that breaking the pattern is too difficult for them to do on their own, soliciting the help of a qualified couple's counselor is recommended.